Monday, April 7, 2014

An angry rant...

WARNING: This post is about me ranting on why I'm so angry right now. I'm hoping that this will let me calm down a bit. It is cool if you don't want to read it. I certainly wouldn't want to read it if I was anyone other than the person writing it.

I haven't been on here in a while. Right now, I'm trying to finish writing my thesis. At this point, one chapter is with my committee for corrections/suggestions. The other chapter is with my advisor, who will likely tear it apart like she did the first chapter. 

But the reason why I'm here right now: I need to write. I'm so frustrated and angry. It's hard not snapping at everyone because of how angry I am. I've been in almost constant pain for the past two weeks because of back problems I've had for the past 5 years. Two nights during the past week, the pain was actually so great that I slammed my fist into my desk at home to try and, even if momentarily, distract myself from the searing pain in my legs and back. Even now as I write this I'm laying on top of my desk on campus because it hurts too much to sit. Other reasons why I'm so angry right now....well, I'm tired of getting things wrong, on quizzes, on homework for my graduate mass spectrometry class. Growing up, in school, I would usually get things right. I guess if I wasn't already so angry from other things, I may not be as mad that I'm getting things wrong a lot now. The stress of being a graduate student finishing up isn't helping things right now. I haven't heard back from my advisor about my second chapter and I don't like that. She told me to rewrite the first chapter in its entirety. I'm worried as hell that she'll do the same again. One thing that has been nagging at me for a while is how little UT Austin cares about its students and parking. I have a C permit, which is not okay but that is a different story, and this means I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. Today and for all of this week, the lot I usually park in will be closed. Several hundred parking spaces for C permit holders gone for the week. Not cool. UT, if you want to have parking for a special event, tell the attendees to park in Longhorn Lots, not in a lot that is filled by 9 am. 

I'm stressed that I don't know what I'm going to be doing when I graduate. I don't know if I will have a job (I've applied to more than 50). I don't know if I'll be going to grad school again, but for a masters in chemistry (I applied to two schools and haven't heard back from either). I'm annoyed that I'm almost 24 and have never been on a date. I'm frustrated that I can't go to Krav Maga because my back hurts so much. This means that the one thing that has allowed me to lose weight the most I can't do. 

I'm really on the verge of tears at the moment. I can't do that, though. Not that anyone would mind at campus. They've seen me cry before. But I cried last night. Then it was because of the pain. I had really reached my breaking point. Now I want to cry because of all that I just wrote. At times, I feel alone down here in Texas. I don't have friends that I'm nearly as close to as my friends from high school. But they are in DC, Maryland, Pennsylvania, or New Jersey at the moment. And I am 1500 miles away. Sometimes I just want to rage quite everything and get on the next plane to somewhere that isn't here. Maybe the Caribbean or Europe. I've always wanted to go there.


  1. We are strangers here, and I know there isn't anything I can do to help you. But I have found that pain ultimately is a very humbling thing that can strip us down to our most basic, fallible, human self, and in so doing, it connects us to the rest of humanity. Pain is one of the few absolutely universal human experiences. I'm so sorry that you are struggling, and I can't even suggest that what you're going through now will all seem worth it once you've achieved your goals ... but I hope it will, and I hope you succeed!

  2. hi Felicia, believe it or not I've shared your same frustrations and back pain throughout the years ... sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. The frustrations will eventually work themselves out ... we are humans are we are resilient though sometimes better things don't happen when we want them to happen in our lives. I hope that your physical pain has subsided and I want to congratulate you on attaining your new degree. Best of luck